The Library
by eliezha
Summary: Sirius Black is back from Azkaban - and innocent. Remus, laying low at The Black Manor, can't help but run into him. He also can't help but feel guilty. Nothing's quite the same since they last saw each other. Notes:


It took some getting used to, when Sirius returned to them - whole, if a bit thinner and gaunter and less _Sirius_ then he remembered. It disappointed Remus, to be honest. He had imagined them falling back to their old ways like it had been before, like they hadn't been apart more than the summer holidays that had separated them in their schooldays. But it was not the same Sirius that came back to him, and it was an ignorant man's hope. He laughed less and smiled less and rarely said anything above a hoarse whisper now.

He was still there though - he saw _his_ Sirius in few and fleeting moments. When Harry arrived and Sirius filled the house with his uncontrollable happiness - radiating it as he strutted through the house, James' son at his side. When he and Molly got into the fire whiskey late at night and he told her jokes that turned her cheeks pink, her voice slurring as she scolded him. When Remus accidentally tripped on the last step of the staircase and fell, sprawling, on the ground and Sirius' loud booming laughter rang off the walls. Remus, blushing, as Sirius helped him up, animatedly dusting him off and laughing again. It was a friendly laugh, one Remus had heard so many times in his youth and one that he laid awake long nights trying to recall. One that he missed.

Since living in the Black's house, Remus had taken to reading in one of the small libraries where the Order didn't often congregate. He sat there for hours with his silence, his books, and his tea. There wasn't much noise or tussle in the house, to be honest, but there, there was none at all. That's why Remus was surprised one day to find Sirius lounging on the couch when he came in. He was reading a thin, old book that didn't have a visible title, and he looked to be quite immersed in it. He didn't look up when Remus entered, so he took that as a want for no conversation, and went to his own corner and began to read. The next day, Sirius was seated once again on the couch reading his book, and the day after, and all week until it became a usual thing to find him there. He was making his way through a stack of books, which he piled on the end table beside him.

One day Remus brought him a cup of tea along with his own. He set it down beside the stack of books that had grown five high. Sirius looked over at it, and then up at him, a small smile tainting his solemn expression.

"Thanks," he said, and Remus nodded, turned, and went to his reading. They said nothing else, but Remus peered over his volume to see Sirius sipping it as his eyes scanned the pages.

It was a week later that their routine changed. Remus had brought Sirius his tea, exchanged a 'Thanks' and a nod, and was just sitting down to start his own cup when he heard a grunt. He looked up.

Sirius glared at him, his eyes and mouth and whole face scowling. Remus frowned back, on edge.

"Are you -"

"You've not said a single thing to me, this whole time, you know?" Sirius erupted suddenly, throwing his book down on the couch. Remus' eyebrows shot up.

"What?"

"Don't play dumb, Moony." Remus startled at the use of his old nickname. "I've been coming in here for weeks and sitting with you and reading these blasted - these awful books -" he waved his hand at the stack beside him a bit violently, so much that the topmost one toppled to the floor. He didn't seem concerned. "- I've been reading them, sitting here thinking maybe you'll finally talk to me, say something, anything really - about the weather, the Order, Harry - but _no_. You just sit there and read yours and don't say a damn word to me." He glared at Remus still, huffing. Remus didn't know what to say, his mouth gaping.

"And you still make my tea the same," Sirius broke in again. "You remembered how I liked it, all this time - the exact same you made it before, did you know?" He peered down at the cup like it might answer him, rather than the silent man that was standing awkwardly before him.

Remus cleared his throat, watching Sirius for a moment before he lowered himself down in his arm chair. He took a sip of his own tea.

"It's not exactly hard, you know. You just poured as much sugar and milk as you could in it, nothing special, Padfoot. I bet children could make it, and you'd be satisfied."

Sirius stared at him, incredulous. He didn't seem to know what to say, and sat there for a moment, staring at Remus. And then he began to laugh. He laughed and laughed, a solid booming laugh that filled the whole room. Remus watched him, unable to keep the smile off his face. He eventually calmed and quieted but still stared across at Remus like he was some amazing thing that had him confused.

"Did you really not like any of those books?" Remus asked him suddenly, once it was obvious Sirius wasn't going to say anything. Sirius' face grew blank. "Those -" Remus gestured to the pile beside him, "- did you really not like them?" Sirius' head followed his finger until he was staring at them.

"Oh. Oh, yeah - they're awful. I don't even know what they're about, honestly. I just grab them off the shelf before you come in," he admitted, and Remus snorted aloud, a smirk on his lips. "Books about how great the Blacks are, mostly, and you know how rubbish that is."

"If you're going to stubbornly read them for weeks, ought you to at least pick interesting ones? I've got a few I could recommend, if you like," he told him, standing. His long strides brought him to the bookshelf in a moment and he began to scan it for titles.

"Moony, I don't give a damn about the books," Sirius said.

"You should, you know. Many of them are about dark magic - you've a lot of those, did you know? They may come in handy, with what's coming." Remus said, still looking. He plucked one from the shelf and turned to hand it to Sirius. "This one - it's an account of common plants and ingredient combinations used in dark spells and potions. I was thinking it might help us track down people that are buying certain plants together, to use, you know? I keep meaning to bring it up to Dumbledore, but I always forget." He held it out for Sirius to take, but he ignored it, looking up at Remus earnestly instead.

"Why have you been ignoring me?" he asked.

"I haven't been-"

"Yes you have. I know it, Remus. Half the time, we're the only ones in this house and you still don't talk to me. You take all your dinners in your room and the only times you ever come out are for Order meetings or to sit in this damned library and read," Sirius cut him off, still staring at him intently. Remus couldn't meet his eyes. "I thought maybe - maybe - " Sirius ran his hands through his hair, eyes downcast. The fever had left his words and his voice had dropped. "- that you were angry with me. About Peter. Trusting Peter with the secret keeper, and convincing James and Lily and not you - god am I sorry I didn't trust you Moony, I really am but - _Peter_. I never thought Peter." He grew silent, head in his hands, no longer watching Remus. Remus watched him though, staring down at him with wide eyes, at the tautness in his shoulders and his messy, long hair that he hadn't bothered to cut since he was freed. His best friend.

"None of us thought Peter, Sirius. That's why it worked so well," Remus said quietly.

"You have every right to be mad at me, Moony," he raised his head to catch Remus' eye again. "It's my fault. Mine and Peter's and -"

"Don't group yourself with him," Remus said harshly. "Peter betrayed Lily and James - you were trying to save them. You didn't know, Sirius. None of us did. I don't blame you." He said it firmly, strongly. The rest of it came out more slowly. "I thought that you were angry with me, or you would be. That's why I've been ignoring you."

"Angry with _you_? Why?" Sirius blinked up at him, only complete shock registering, none of the disgust or the betrayal flashing across his face that Remus had imagined these last few months. Had feared and awaited, because it as inevitable, really.

"For believing them," Remus explained, abashed. "For believing that you would - would do that to Lily and James. That you would betray them. I believed the stories, I didn't do anything to try and figure out what really happened - I left you to that prison for twelve bloody _years_ , Sirius," he blanched and his voice caught at the end. "I can't forgive myself, for letting you endure that,"

"Moony, there was no way you could have known," Sirius told him fiercely, shooting out a hand and grabbing his arm, shaking it softly.

"I _should_ have, though. Some intrinsic knowledge that you would never do that - I knew you, Sirius. I- I loved you. I was so shocked when I heard, I should have known something was up," he pleaded. The firm grasp of Sirius' hand on his arm had rendered him immobile, locked there in place. The sick self hatred he had held all this time was swelling around them both.

"It was the war - we were all doing things we never thought we would. It could have happened, Remus," Sirius said decisively, shrugging off his worries as easily as he did years ago. They had been simpler then, though. Whether a prank was really worth it. Whether Slughorn would notice that his whole room had been charmed upside down. Whether they would get caught smoking in the prefects' bathroom. Now it was Remus' guiltiness. His undeniable guilt in this whole endeavor, and Sirius shrugged it off as easily as James' cloak. It was infuriating. It was unbelievable.

"I don't blame you anymore than I do Harry, who thought that I was out to kill him," Sirius laughed, his bark like laugh. His hands were still clasped around Remus' wrists. They were tense beneath his touch though, everything about Remus was. Sirus' saw this, saw the shadow over his face, and he pulled him closer, tugging his wrists softly. "It wasn't your fault, Remus."

That was the moment that Kreacher shuffled his way in, murmuring the arrival of the 'filthy blood traitor that has besmirched his mistress' house with her nasty children' to himself. Molly was back.

"She'll be fine, she can find everything -" Sirius shrugged off, still holding onto Remus', but he pulled away, gathering himself before he turned away from Sirius, hands clenched.

"She might have some new information or something, we really should go see her," was all he said. He left Sirius with his hands holding empty air, watching him leave.

Remus didn't speak to Sirius again until that night. He laid in his bed - one of the smaller rooms that had been for guests, Sirius had informed him - reading, when the door creaked open. The dim light of his bedside lamp cast harsh shadows against the figure that appeared, slipping into the room without a word.

"Sirius, what are you doing?" he asked, putting his book down to watch him clamber to the side of the bed and slide in beneath the covers.

Remus tensed when Sirius curled up against him, but he threw an arm over Remus' stomach lazily and curled his head into Remus' side, and Remus calmed. Sirius' eyes were shut, and his face was calm and smooth and he breathed softly against Remus' side, squeezing him around the middle when he didn't protest.

"I loved you too," Sirius whispered into the crook of Remus' arm, his voice soft and warm and heavy. "I love you - present tense. The entire time, I never stopped. I never blamed you once."

"I love you too - present tense," Remus repeated, breathing it out slowly. He brought his arm up around Sirius and tugged him closer still, the tension leaving his body for what might have been the first time in more than twelve years.


End file.
